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Metal Door Is So Metal
Mountain Dew
We've looked at so many things in these past nine weeks. Oh, so many things. How many things? Like eight? Or another number I could easily look up? You got it. We sure did. But now we come to the most extreme thing of all: Mountain Dew. How exxxtreme is Mountain Dew? Did you know they don't include vowels in "mountain" on the label?
Holy shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiix-TREME! Anyway, I didn't know what to write about this week so I did the only logical thing: I asked Benji what I should write about. After turning down several ideas, he said the Holy Grail of all extreme sodas: Mountain Dew. My after school diet in high school consisted of Reese's Pieces, Mountain Dew and cigs. What a great time that was.
I'm listening to Hüsker Dü's excellent Zen Arcade while I write this. Having myself a little personal jam session at school.
1. Passion
Does Mountain Dew invoke strong emotions into it's user? Sort of. It at least has the appearance of this when you start to get that feeling. You know what I'm talking about. You start shaking. You feel lightheaded, a little queasy, just want to sit down for a forever. That is the almost but not really depending on your tolerance guaranteed sugar high you'll get from drinking a can of Mountain Dew because there is FORTY SIX GRAMS OF SUGAR IN EVERY CAN.
Someone's job in the Mountain Dew assembly line is to scoop in a cup of sugar to every can that passes him or her by. It only pays minimum wage, but you can take as much sugar as you like which is worth like two minimum wages when you illegally sell it on the black market as a new form of cocaine only to be found out by some very serious cokeheads who mean business and when I say business I mean they're in business school so they know a good price when they see your astronomically low price of your Fake-caine™ they buy it all up and then discover that it's only sugar but are all like hey oh well now we got some sugar let's stop doing cocaine and bake a cake instead and then you don't have anyone left to sell Fake-caine™ to so this all begs the question what's the deal you're only charging twice the minimum wage come on man or lady if you're going to go through with that risk you should really charge a lot more. 2 out of 5.
2. Theatrics
This is a new(?) flavor of Mountain Dew called Voltage that is "charged" with ginseng hahaha whaaaat? If they really wanted to make a splash they would have charged the soda with actual electricity. That would be very theatrical and also useful? Like can I have the extreme flavor of Mountain Dew but then also charge my phone with it? Let's work on this Team Code Red (I imagine that the people behind Code Red also came up with Voltage but I totally admit that I don't know how that company runs I mean what do I look like someone whose job it is to scoop in a pound of sugar into each 20 oz bottle is there an opening for that job I'll take it I'm unemployed thanks). 1 out of 5.
3. Power
Finally we come to something Mountain Dew does well. As awful as this drink is for your body, people keep drinking it. It was the fourth most drank drink in American in 2010 so says NBC news article I just read. And then just now I read ANOTHER article (I'm smart) about Mountain Dew Mouth. Apparently it's a problem in Appalachia? Mountain Dew specifically is rotting the teeth in Appalachians mouths? And yet they keep drinking this it? Bravo, Dew. 5 out of 5.
4. Confidence
In spades. Oh you want a "healthier" soda? Here's Diet Dew. Energy drinks are big? Aight, aight, here's AMP Energy Dew. Oh you want it healthier? Here's Voltage, we'll throw some ginseng in that shit, the fuck do we care? Just buy our stuff. PepsiCo does a great job at adapting to the market. Soda might be one of the most unnatural things that people regularly consume, but all you need to do is go along with current trends and people will forget what they are putting into their bodies (that goes for "health food" too, I defy you to find five people who actually know what gluten is). 5 out of 5.
5. Volume
Mountain Dew claims to be a loud brand with their apparent "extreme" nature. Unfortunately for them, Red Bull already owns that description. Not only that, but they actually do extreme things (like dropping people onto Earth from space). What does Mountain Dew do? They do DEWmocracy, where the public chooses the next Dew flavor. I know that seems really loud and extreme, but it's not really that loud or extreme. I mean, when you think about it. Do it. Think about it. Right? Mountain Dew knows what they are: your grandma's piss mixed with a liter of sugar to keep you "fueled" while you're playing World of Warcraft all night and/or masturbating and/or both at the same time. It makes sense, their target market is 17 year old boys. I can't believe I used to drink it. 1 out of 5.
Conclusion: In a not shocking at all outcome, Mountain Dew is found to not be very metal with a 14 out of 25 score. It just makes you feel awful after you drink a bunch. So it's basically beer without all of the fun, which is why I am happy to introduce Mountain Dew Pale Ale that sounds awful bye.
Iron Ore
I miss Minnesota. There, I said it. I don't feel the urgent desire to move home right this second, BUT having lived there for 30 years I have become attached and there are times when I am reminded and miss my home.
And if I am reminiscing about that great state and thinking about my childhood, memories of the trips I took up to Hibbing will eventually come to mind. My Pops lived up there for a few years, and amongst the Hockey Hall of Fame and curling rec centers, there are mountains of iron ore. Hibbing has a shitload of iron ore. In fact, it has the biggest open-pit iron mine in the world:
Yeah. NOW what do you think about Hibbing? Anyway, enough about you, let's talk about iron ore!
I guess you should listen to a Minnesota band while reading this? Perhaps some Hüsker Dü or Hold Steady or hell, why not Prince? Huh? Why not?
1. Passion
How many people get turned on by the smelting of iron ore? Turns out, surprisingly, not many (ed note: this stat is an estimate). But is there some sort of emotion carried through ore? Again, not really, as the mineral is not a sentient being with thoughts and hopes and dreams and fears. But it IS one of the most important deposits in the world as 98% of mined ore is used to make steel and everyone knows that steel is very important, even the people in those dumb Geico commercials. So the next time you look up at a skyscraper, first off, stop doing that and watch where you are walking, and secondly, remember ol' iron ore. So, in that matter, in the matter of making steel, iron ore is very passionate. But not really. 2 out of 5.
2. Theatrics
Aight, bro, now we're talking. Talkin' 'bout blast furnaces. Iron ore as a mineral is not as useful as iron or steel. BUT HOW DO YOU MAKE IRON FROM IRON ORE, DAVID?! That is a very beautiful and loud question. You do it through a process called smelting, which is basically using heat and unnamed chemicals to extract out the iron from the ore. Okay? But you need a LOT of heat, and then so you get pictures like the one above. I remember biking by one of these plants several times when I lived in Chicago. I'd always ask if I could take pictures and they always said no. Jerks. Anyway, this process is pretty dangerous and full of excitement except maybe if it's your 9-5 job and some asshole keeps asking you if he can take pictures. Imma give it 4 out of 5.
3. Power
Some would argue that, behind oil, iron ore is the most important commodity in the world. The actual pricing is done behind closed doors (LIKE EVERYTHING), so who knows exactly how much this stuff is worth. HOWEVER, look at how much of this friggin' stuff is mined! Ain't no one spending the time and money to dig up that much ore unless it's worth it. And, when you think about it, iron ore is used for steel and pretty much every building is built with a steel frame I think. That's power. 4 out of 5.
4. Confidence
In doing research to learn of the strength of iron ore I was met with several PDFs with numbers and calculations that were for NERDS and also I didn't understand them. So let's look at steel again, since it's made from iron ore. I mentioned before that skyscrapers have steel skeletons. Did I mention that? Let's pretend I did. Let's also pretend I'm a cowboy. Howdy, stranger. Don't see many of your kind in these parts. Stranger. Okay that was fun. The picture above is the beginnings of the Sears Tower (now officially but not out loudly called Willis Tower). That's a tall building. It's like 100 stories or something. I worked on the 51st floor for like four years or something. I remember when the wind would blow really hard the building would sway. It was super freaky, but not in the sexy way. But you know what it didn't do? Fall over. You probably would have heard about it if it had. But it didn't. Because steel is strong and confident in it's abilities. Hmm, that's a stretch. But still, 3 out of 5?
5. Volume
Here's another open-pit iron ore mine in Australia. Pretty neat looking, eh? Volume is a good culmination of all of this crap we've been talking about. We mine TONS (literally) of iron ore every year and, especially in major cities, it's presence is everywhere. Most every building you look at has a ton (not literally (but maybe)) of what once was iron ore holding it up. It's no wonder people think it's so important, we use a lot of it! Tons! Not much more you have to say about it. 4 out of 5.
Conclusion: 17 out of 25! Not too Metal, but not too bad. There's probably bits and traces and possibly larger amounts of the stuff in metal musicians' equipment. Full circle. Full metal circle. Bye.
Boredom
When I was 16, I flew down to Harlingen, TX to visit my grandparents. Harlingen is at the southern tip of Texas and is where my grandparents go during the winter. Driving down while I was in the air was my mom, sister, brother, and the only boyfriend my mom ever had after my parents divorced. I believe they drove straight down and it took them 24 hours. I had hit my growth spurt by that point and my mom had said that there was no way she was sitting in a car with me for that long as I was likely to be very uncomfortable. We could only afford to fly one down, and I was the recipient of that golden ticket. Being tall has it's advantages.
It was my first time on an airplane. Overall I remember it being a pleasant ride, but more specifically there's two things of which I have very fond memories. One is that I listened to the Deftones album Adrenaline exclusively on the flight down. The other is a snapshot of landing. It was the color that I remember the most, and it's not an uncommon sight. It looked similar to this:
Except on the tarmac in Harlingen, TX and not some lake in New Zealand. It's the color of the sun shining through the clouds after a light rain (not sure if Crayola makes that color yet). It was still sort of misting out, a cool spring day, around noon. Coming through the clouds and seeing that color envelope me is what I will always remember when someone mentions the album Adrenaline by the Deftones. My brother recently sent me a text referencing that album, and the picture immediately came to mind. The first song is about boredom, and so I thought I'd try the (seemingly difficult) task of rating the metalness of an emotional state.
Obviously the suggested listening music is Adrenaline, but if you're not in the mood for metal, I listened to the "new" Michael Jackson yesterday and it was pretty good.
1. Passion
Have you ever laid on your bed, staring at the ceiling, half hoping for the next day to come but half knowing it won't help the situation? Boredom can grip you just as strongly as love or hate. Often it comes as a topping on another emotional pizza pie. You're heartbroken, you're lonely, you're depressed, and nothing is satisfying. It's a difficult situation to be in and mostly all you can do is remain strong-willed and let it pass.
That being said, passion seems to include something of love or hate, and boredom is (somewhat) defined by a lack of either. So I can't rate it too highly. 2 out of 5.
2. Theatrics
Deep boredom doesn't seem to happen too often when something is going on. Yes, things can be described as "boring", of course, but it would seem that things described as such can be easily fixed by simply walking away or putting a movie on that is not Congo. But truly deep boredom happens in moments of inertia. You're sitting on a chair in the living room trying to think of something to do, anything, that can be defined as interesting, but nothing comes.
There are no theatrics in boredom. 0 out of 5.
3. Power
If power is defined by the capability of doing something, and something is capable of making you do nothing, is that the most powerful thing? That's a definitive trait of boredom, in that it tells (or rather, tricks) your mind in thinking that nothing is interesting and nothing is desirable. Sometimes, no matter how much you love ice cream, even the thought of digging into a big bowl of vanilla ice cream with a drizzle of caramel cannot excite you. Even if it's sitting in your hands as you scoop it into your mouth. You're just going through the motions. Eat food. Survive. Live another day.
Also, if we talk about boredom in other animals we end up seeing stuff like this:
Which is just some dumb dog meme, sure, but this is what happens when you leave a work dog in the house (it get's bored (and destroys)). Don't get work dogs if you don't have a yard or work for it to do, it's just cruel. 4 out of 5.
4. Confidence
Anticipation and inaction can be killers of confidence, and they are both associated with boredom. But boredom, as an emotional state, is not very confident. It doesn't know what to do with itself. Unless you are a underworked work dog, it doesn't know what to do with you. And though it may seem you are powerless against it, a deep boredom leads you to an insight about what is really going on in your head. Maybe it's heartbreak, maybe it's something else, but boredom is not the end. 1 out of 5.
5. Volume
Boredom can fill a room. It can become the room. You sit and count the objects off: table, chair, TV, desk. People talk but no words come out. You look out the window. At what? You don't even know what you're looking at as your soft gaze is focused inward, no observation of the world around you. All of this can happen when you are bored. It's like there's eight million people here but no one around. Fill a jar with value and boredom will render it toxic, useless. 5 out of 5.
Conclusion: I tire of thinking about boredom and it's superpower abilities. 12 out of 25, not very metal.
Roller Coasters
I don't have the answers to life's big questions. I don't think anyone ever really learns them, you just learn how to get by. I'm glad that philosophers spend their days and nights thinking about the meaning of life and all of it's sub-contents, but no one can definitely tell you why we experience so much goddamn emotional pain. There are beautiful quotes that go some distance in helping you cope and get on with the things necessary to live (like eating and drinking water), but they don't answer the question why. No one can. It is a harrowing outlook, but it's also comforting to know that if you can only ever search without finding, then you better find something that makes you happy on the trail.
That isn't a very uplifting lead-in paragraph, but it's realistic. You know what else is realistic? That roller coasters exist. In case you are one of those people believe that they are a figment of the imagination, allow me to inform you that they do really exist in real life and perhaps you should only take acid once a month versus once a week. Also, life is kind of like a roller coaster with it's ups and downs and what a dumb metaphor sorry.
Suggested listening music: I'm listening to the beautiful Songs: Ohia record, The Magnolia Electric Co., but I think I'm going to switch over to Mogwai's record The Hawk Is Howling because this is kind of sad music. Your choice, sad blues or kind-of-intense instrumental rock (seriously, it's your choice, I'm not going to force you to choose one).
1. Passion
Uhhhhhhhhhdidyouknow that the first roller coaster was built in Russia and was made of several inches of ICE on top of some wood? Well now you do, and you probably think that's nuts (you're correct). Here is a nice drawing of such an event:
Basically looks like a slide that you'd see at a modern day carnival. EXCEPT IT WAS MADE OF ICE. Look at that picture. Do you see railings? No, you do not see railings you crazy Russians. I wonder how many deaths occurred due to the world's first roller coaster (though, Death By What Will Be Later Known As The World's First Roller Coaster is a pretty great headline). Anyway, the sissy French would later put wheels on the sleds and lock them to the track. Then the guy whose job it was to report all of those deaths in Russia was out of work (THANKS FRANCE). The roller coaster was called the Russes a Belleville (roughly translated: Ninny Pants French Soy Latte No Foam Roller Coaster). It looked like this:
So un-icy. These days, they've pushed these things to the X-Treme (ed note: I am not actually sure what is considered extreme in roller coaster terms, but I imagine what I am to show you is fairly extreme). Take ol' Fahrenheit in Hershey, Pa. This is how it's described: This inverted vertical loop "lift" coaster starts off swooping riders up 121 feet above the ground only to plunge them right back down in a gut-wrenching, 97-degree negative drop—the steepest in the U.S. At the 121-foot crest, the upcoming drop is at such a steep incline that the only thing riders in the stadium-seating trains see is, well, nothing. No track at all. Once you survive that first drop, there's still more to come: a 107-foot inverted loop, an inverted corkscrew roll, cobra element, airborne inverted S-roll, another inverted corkscrew, a little airtime hill (stomach floating), a high-speed banked curve, another hill, and then a high-speed banked curve to end it. All this action takes place in about 85 seconds.
If that made as little sense as possible to you as it did to me, you can just watch this video that I'm sorry I cannot just embed into this post. This is what it looks like:
All in all, I don't find roller coasters very passionate. They're for thrill seekers, sure, but the thrill is over in just a few minutes and likely not something you will remember for the rest of your life. Just kind of a time filler until you learn how to climb up a building or whatever. 2 out of 5.
2. Theatrics
One of the most exciting aspects of a roller coaster is the death-defying thrill you get from being weightless. To achieve this, you (obviously) need a certain level of velocity. And how do we get this? Usually through some combination of height and degree of drop (obviously). So, roller coasters get pretty showy. But HOW showy? Just HOW showy? Well, to start, the world's tallest roller coaster comes in at 456 feet. It is the Kingda Ka! And the acme of this thing a-looks like a-this:
Pretty friggin' showy if you ask me. Please, go ahead and ask me. What's that? Oh, you're wondering if the Kingda Ka is a showy roller coaster? Well if you're going to put me on the spot with such a question, I guess I'd have to say that it's pretty friggin' showy. And then there's the fastest roller coaster which is at a place called Ferrari World (haha) but is hydraulically activated to make it go that fast so I'm not even going to show a picture of it on this prestigious blog. But then anyway look at some of these other shittin' crazy roller coasts.
There's the Dodonpa in Japan which looks pretty crazy sure but not that crazy yes, BUT what you don't realize is that this machine is run by some very playful operators who like to trick you with a false start followed by an 'accidental' surprise launch. Bunch of dicks.
The Vanish roller coaster in Japan flies you through a hole in the ground which I imagine is as frightful to encounter as whatever it is you find so damn frightful.
And then there's the Vertical Velocity that is going to kill someone someday.
You gotta give it to these designers who probably eat a lot of mushrooms, they know how to design eye-catching roller coasters. 5 out of 5.
3. Power
Scientifically speaking, rollers coasters carry their weight in power. Some of them can reach a maximum G-Force between 4-5 Gs. That'll hold you in your seat. But so do jets and cars and other things. I mentioned the Formula Rossa in the section above as the speediest roller coaster, recorded at 149mph. That's pretty ridiculous, but also exactly what you'd expect at a place called Ferrari World.
But what about the power they hold over us? They do something pretty well in that category as well: they help us overcome our fears. Yes, something as silly as a roller coaster can have a profound affect on the human psyche. Or maybe not, I don't know how mentally strong you are. What I do know is that I've been in line for one of these dumb rides before and have been pretty scared but on the best roller coasters there's usually a great moment of weightlessness, of a loss of control. A moment where, even though it is very brief, you realize that fate is not in your hands and there's nothing you can do about your current situation. Is that really going to help you out in real non-roller coaster life? I don't know, I already said that I don't know how mentally strong you are (we've been over this). BUT, there are times in life where we find ourselves heartbroken and maybe, just maybe, experiences like this will remind us that we cannot go around our sad moments, we must face them head on.
Though, to be honest (and I am so honest, I know everyone says that but really I am), I'm not sold that roller coasters really have that kind of power over us, I think it's just hypothetically present. 2 out of 5.
4. Confidence
The confidence rating of a roller coaster probably falls more on the architects and engineers (and operators) than the actual roller coaster itself. If assembled and run properly, I think math takes care of the success of a roller coaster to not kill you. That's really what we're talking about here: death. How many people have died riding roller coasters? We don't really know, which is weird and shady. That means people are not reporting ACTUAL DEATHS. I get the concern for liability and loss of future sales but also ACTUAL DEATHS. How does your moral ethics not take over when you are considering whether or not to report ACTUAL DEATHS. Unless some amusement parks are run by sociopaths, which then would mean that some amusement parks are RUN BY SOCIOPATHS. Eek. Remember that the next time you visit Six Flags.
However, from the reports I have meticulously poured over, it appears that Death By Roller Coaster does not happen very often. Which is good. As with almost everything, you are way more likely to die in a car accident than on a roller coaster (remember that the next time you are in a car). Let's say 4 out of 5, shall we? I just did.
5. Volume
I'm not sure how long you'd actually want to be on a roller coaster. I imagine that after 10 minutes (or possibly less) you'd feel either bored or uneasy or both (but not uneasily bored, that is something else). That being said, most of these rides do not last that long, usually hovering around the two minute mark (or less). To enact the thrill that people are expecting when strapping into these dumb machines, you need to pack it with non-stop action and that becomes more difficult the longer you extend the track. So, shorter is better for a exciting ride. HOWEVER, that is not what this particular blog is about, and this particular section is rating roller coasters on volume, and these particular amusement park rides do not seem to have a very high volume. Some of the lines to ride them are long, yes, but traveling from one end to the other is very short. That also being said, they usually stand out in the mind when thinking of amusement parks. They're kind of the defining trait, or the representative ride, of the amusement park. And that has to say something, right? Well, I suppose it does not have to, okay, but it does.
So I'm going to give roller coasters 3 out of 5 for volume.
Final score: 16 out of 25. Not very metal, but also more metal than I thought before I started writing this. I didn't think it would crack 10 points. Shows how much I know! Apparently not much! About the metal-ness of roller coasters! But I know some other things! I know everyone says that but really I do!
Bye.
Trees
I'm sitting on this couch on a Friday night watching Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon and eating some on-sale guacamole. It's weird to think of food "on sale" like clothes and kitchen cutlery and lawnmowers. Or maybe you don't think that's weird, and if you don't, hey, I'm glad you have your own opinions. Be yourself. Anyway, that movie has everything I love. Poetic dialogue, a minimalist score, a girl flying through fog at the end. But then also there's a beautiful scene towards the end where that one guy who I've seen in something before is fighting in the trees with the beautiful Chinese girl who is in other movies.
And what I really love about that scene is that it's really windy while they're up there with their swords and all, and you can hear the wind blowing through the trees. Growing up in the very outdoorsy land that is Minnesota, formed in me was a deep appreciation for that sound. It is a score of it's own, of life's movie (<- that's pretty good). It is the type of music that makes me want to be in the middle of a forest when I am watching the lonely tree outside of my apartment sway in the wind. It is so calming, much more so than the dirt bike gang that likes to rev their engines right outside my apartment (with the lone 4-wheeler trailing behind them (he's always there (being the most obnoxious gang member of them all (I wonder if he's even in the gang (maybe he's auditioning for the latest gang member role (every time I see those stupid gangs (which is all the time (oh boy, got myself stranded on a bit of a parentheses island))) we can do it )) almost there)) there we go). Talkin' 'bout trees this week.
Suggested listening music this week: Whatever that noise is outside of the room I'm sitting in. Sounds like an airplane.
1. Passion
What can trees really be passionate about? I guess living, they seem to like to do that. In fact, trees find pretty interesting ways to continue living even when it looks like all hope is lost. They are like Bruce Willis in Die Hard The One Where Gas Was $0.87/gallon. It's like, what are you going to do without shoes, Bruce? What if they shoot the glass? Oh no they shot the glass! Now you have to walk on broken glass without shoes! But you are Bruce Willis, so I have faith you will get through this (***SPOILER ALERT*** he does).
But anyway, no man-made structure is going to stop a tree from getting the sunlight that it deserves. Need proof? Look at this picture of a tree growing through a roof.
If you spend enough time on Google Images, you can find a zillion pictures like this because trees will always find a way to the sun. The trees are coming for us. Coming for us all. If you read the book The World Without Us by Alan Weisman you will learn that, eventually, nature would just eat up everything we have ever made. And trees are a part of nature. 5 out of 5.
2. Theatrics
What do you want? Do you want a poisonous tree? How about this tree?
This is a bottle tree, named after it's bulbous form. It has pretty flowers that draw you in and then BAM it's sap is poisonous.
That doesn't do it for you? How about the Hyperion tree, the tallest tree in the world?
Or the widest tree in the world, the General Sherman?
That tickle you? No? You're hard to please. Okay last, one, these weird fuckers:
These are in Poland and this is how they grow. If you have a problem with that, I suggest you look at yourself in the mirror and notice your own imperfections. Are you still beautiful? AM I STILL BEAUTIFULwhoa sorry I went off the deep end there. Pull it back in, David. Okay. We're good. Trees are weird. And theatrical. 5 out of 5.
3. Power
Did you know trees get more powerful as they age? They're like reverse My Grandpas. Turns out, says researchers, that the older a tree gets, the more carbon it removes from the atmosphere. In fact, a tree as old as my grandpa (86? 87?) can remove as much carbon in one year as a tree as old as me (32?) has removed in it's entire lifetime.
Plus there's the unarguable FACT that trees are very powerful in gypsy magic. That's something we can ALL agree on. 5 out of 5.
4. Confidence
Have you ever heard of the Tree of Life. I'm not talking about that three hour acid trip by Terrence Malick starring Brad Pitt. I'm talkin' 'bout the tree in Bahrain that is growing in the middle of a goddamn desert.
This crazy tree is about 400 years old and is living off the souls of dead desert foxes, I assume, since there is no water supply for miles around (see: Passion). Or how about a tree growing out of a rock?
Who does that tree think it is? Trees don't grow out of rocks! Crazy tree. Trees are pretty much going to do what they want to do. 4 out of 5.
5. Volume
If we're talking about volume, which we are, we need to look no further than the rainforest. Let's look at the numbers, shall we? No? Okay, I guess we can talk about something else. Um, how was school? Did you learn anything new? Yeah, spelling is hard, I know, but you need to learn to spell so that you can get a job proofreading Job Biden's speeches. Wait, if you can't spell, how are you even reading this? Are you lying to me? Well, then we will just go back to talking about numbers.
Stats: Almost half the world's biotic species are native to a rainforest (there's probably millions we've yet to discover), a quarter of natural medicines were found in a rainforest, and these lush tree villages provide a quarter of the world's oxygen turnover. Now there are obviously a lot more species than trees in a rainforest, but just look at the picture posted above (just look at it!). What do you think would happen if all of the trees were taken away. No rainforest. Unfortunately, this is already happening (l-o-g-g-i-n-g) and we're in danger of losing more and more everyday. But as far as this blog goes, it's just owed a rating: 4 out of 5.
So, there you have it. 23 out of 25. Trees are more metal than actual metal. Can you believe it? If you do not, please respond to this blog in no less than 10,000 words in the Opinion section of the New York Times. I will not accept responses in any other form. Bye.
Actual Metal
I am writing this from Room 4 in Miami Ad School. A neglected, dark, and quiet room with a door that creaks like that of a haunted house. Should I write about this room? Don't tell me what to do. This week we will be looking at actual metal. Like iron or steel or whatever. Maybe aluminum floats your boat? Literally? Some boats are made out of aluminum.
So, anyway, have you ever wondered how "metal" actual metal is? Me too. We have a lot in common. We should hang out. But so that there is no awkward silences, let us rate how Metal actual metal is because that is what we will be talking about the entire time we hang out. If you don't like that you can just go find another best friend.
Suggested listening music this week: Metallica - Master of Puppets
1. Passion
How passionate is an inanimate object? Probably not very much, I think we can all sleep safely with that knowledge. HOWEVER, dictionary.com's definition of passion includes "strong sexual desire; lust." And there are definitely stainless steel dildos on the market that I heard about from someone else. But for the sake of this award-winning blog, we will judge this material on it's ability to cause a stirring emotion to awaken in a human body. Now this could go on forever with the millions of things made out of metal and their various uses, but I am going to just pick three things so that it only partially goes on forever.
A. Defibrillator - I don't know what type of metal is used on the pad of a defibrillator, but it is most definitely a metal according to Wikipedia. I assume steel? Let's assume steel. So, you're out having a meal with your dad and all of a sudden he has a heart attack. Luckily, the restaurant has a portable defibrillator on-site (which is becoming more common these days). The electric jolt running through the (assumed) steel pad restarts his heart and he is able to live more years being disappointed that you keep screwing up the things he specifically told you how to avoid. But in that moment he is revived? A rush of adrenaline and emotion rushes through you, thanks to the wonderfully conductive properties of metal.
B. Gold - Let's think of the one thing that is made out of gold that has the potential to immediately bring emotion to someone. Jewelry, right? No? Man, I thought we were best friends. Gold is very common in jewelry, like maybe the most common material in jewelry? And we've all seen those jewelry ads where the woman receives a gold something and is just ELATED and we all know jewelry ads are 100% true so there you go.
C. Uranium - You need uranium to make an atomic bomb. Atomic bombs have the (proven) potential to take millions of lives from this planet in an instant. On the flip side of the coin that is made of metal, uranium is used in nuclear power plants which, assuming complete fission, can create as much energy from one kilogram of uranium as 1500 tonnes of coal. That could provide many (poor or otherwise) neighborhoods with cheap energy. So while uranium has the ability to cause extreme emotional pain, it can also cause a bit of happiness.
Are all of these a bit of a stretch as to whether metal causes passion? A little, and so I will knock it down to a score of 3 out of 5.
2. Theatrics
Anyone who has ever seen a fantasy movie has seen the montage of a sword being made. Heck, maybe you've ever seen it in a samurai movie, so go ahead and watch one of those instead, knock yourself out (please wait until the end of this piece to knock yourself out). Anyway, the melting of metal is pretty damn theatrical. It's gets really friggin' hot and then oozes into whatever pre-formed mold you want it to be. And then it's all glowing and whatnot like you're in whatever level of hell Dante reserved for glowing melting metal things. You know what, I don't feel like I need to go into any more detail about this section, just check out the first 30 seconds of this video (or however long you want to watch it, I'm not your mother [dinner's ready, btw, I hope you like beans]).
For Theatrics, I give metal an Easy A starring Emma Stone (5 out of 5).
3. Power
Have you ever heard of tungsten? Or maybe you've heard it called by it's nickname, wolfram. You see how much I emphasized that word? That's actually all I wanted to say about tungsten. It's know as one of the more dense metals, which gives it some strength when it comes to scratching it (it is apparently "unscratchable", which is also the name of Bruce Willis' next movie). But it's very brittle, so it's not that powerful. Let's talk about steel though bro. Not only is it used for more than a handful of different applications, but most modern structures are supported by a steel frame. You take your skyscrapers and bridges and airports and think about all of the weight that fram is supporting and you realize your good friend steel is a pretty powerful ally. The hull of an aircraft carrier is made up of plates of thick steel, and those things equal a floating army for most of the world.
You know what knocks metal down a bit in power, though? Steel is an American Gladiator on the 2008 version of the show, and that is just very un-metal. Nothing about that show will ever be metal after the original series. So, 4 ½ out of 5 for Power.
4. Confidence (Formerly known as "Don't Give A Fuckness")
I'm changing the name of this section because it's my blog and I'll do what I want. So. Hey, let's talk about the reliability of metal okay? Cool. It's cool that you let me pick the topics of what we are going to talk about. So how much can you trust metal? Let's do this section a-like-a this (did I just sound Italian?): let's start out at 5 and find ways it's not trustworthy, because metal is a pretty reliable material.
For one, iron (and its alloys) rust. Some other metals undergo a similar corrosive change, but I guess it's not called rust because like whatever. But so like we use metals to do things like hold up structures or keep people out with iron gates and such. So what if they corrode and fall apart and don't keep my neighbor's dumb kids out of my yard? Well I am not confident with that metal gate.
For second, remember how I mentioned tungsten above and how it's also called wolfram but then is really brittle? Like I saw a YouTube video of some dudes breaking a tungsten ring with a hammer. That's not very reliable, bro. All those bros breaking another bro's tungsten ring. Come on.
Lastly, can you say nuclear meltdowns? Say it. SAY IT. Thanks. Nuclear reactors meltdown because their nuclear core (made up of metals) overheats. So, if that uranium and other junk overheats, all of that nuclear waste has the possibility of wreaking havoc all over this beautiful world.
I think that these things I chose to bring up are pretty rare, so I'm only docking one total point. 4 out of 5.
5. Volume
Bell (fire, Liberty, church), cymbals, gong
So let's see how LOUD metal is for real. You see how I put the word 'loud' in capital letters to simulate that I am YELLING the word? (I did it again!)
Bells, man. We all remember school bells dramatically echoing throughout the hallways of our elementary school right as we were about to ask out Becky to the school dance. We had finally built up the courage and we go to ask her and boom the bell drowns out our romantic attempts and Beck walks away and here I am still bitter I mean this happened to someone else not me. Church bells ring through the streets notifying the townspeople to get their guilty asses to church. And the most famous of them all, the Liberty Bell, rung so loud that people actually believe it rang on July 4th in the Year of our Lord 1776, the best day in history. That's volume.
And then there's all of the many symphonic instruments that are made out of medal. From the tuba to the flute, you're just blowing air through some metal and then that air echos and turns into music or something. Either way, they get loud. Oh yeah, and gongs. Gongs are loud.
Do I even have to mention cymbals? I mean they're in the drum set that is in the metal band that you are listening to right now (Metallica 'Master of Puppets'?). They help make that metal band loud.
But you know, man, I'm going to give metal 4 out of 5 on volume. It could be louder.
Conclusion
20 ½ out of 25. That's pretty metal, and probably good considering the genre is called Heavy Metal. No one really knows specifically why it is called Heavy Metal, but there is a subsect of metals called "heavy metals" and there are about 25,353 subgenres of Heavy Metal music, so maybe that's it? I don't know. What I do know, is that according to this very scientific formula, actual metals are very Metal.
Intro to this blog
There's this church in Harlem that I walk by occasionally when I'm walking around doing the things that I do in this city that I'm not going to talk about because that is not what this blog is about even though I haven't actually explained what this blog is about. That's a pretty long sentence. Moving on. This church is set in the typical NYC gothic frame. It's a sandy tan color, it has a steeple that looms high over the rest of the building, and it has a metal gate to keep out atheists (I presume). This church also has something that only a few churches have: a metal door that is so Heavy Metal. I love that door. But what makes that door So Metal? I'm not going to explain that. But as I sit here and listen to a compilation of the Best Metal Songs of 2014 So Far by someone who thinks they're better than me, I am going to explain to you what this blog is all about.
Each week I will pick something and analyze how metal it is. It won't necessarily be something that is obviously metal, as there are plenty of other blogs that already do that. Here I will pick something that I thought of with my own brain or saw with my own eyes that maybe has an element or two of Metal and I will then run it through my highly scientific Metal Analysis to see if it is worthy of my attention except that I'll have already written about it so obviously it already had my attention. Another long sentence. What makes this metal to me? I'm glad you asked, or else I wouldn't know what to write in the 13 minutes I have before this piece is deemed late (haha, just kidding, I wrote this like a year ago I mean a week ago I mean this weekend but am just posting it now no worries mate am I right did I just sound Australian?). So here are these things.
1. Passion - I saw this band called Goatwhore once. They were actually opening up for my current favorite metal band (High on Fire), but I had to come early to see them because they call themselves Goatwhore and that is awesome. They went through the standard metal show theatrics with the headbanging and yelling out all their song names ("I hope you are all having a good time, this song is called CARVINGOUTTHEEYESOFGOD" [so awesome]). But then they did something I just had to love: they broke down their own set. This band has been around for like 20 years or some other amount of time that I didn't look up and they are still breaking down their own set. Metal bands don't play for money, they do it because they fucking love to play metal.
2. Theatrics - Briefly mentioned above, if you did not skip ahead, which if you did go back and read #1 I'll wait.
Okay moving on, anyone who has ever looked at an album cover of a metal band knows these guys are into setting the stage for what they are about. They wear it on their sleeves (sometimes literally). And when you seem them live, there is never a dull moment, there is a constant act going on that cannot be replicated.
3. Power - How big is the idea? Metal music is consuming, it is a lifestyle. If you are a popular metal band, you can literally lord over your fans. Tool has one of the most dedicated fan bases to the point that if the band says to buy some particular book, you will never be able to find it because they will eternally be sold out after all these jerks consistently buy out your local Barnes & Nobles of every copy until your high school self gets so upset he writes angry poetry. Or maybe something else happens.
4. Don't Give A Fuckness - You really need this to be in a metal band. It doesn't necessarily make the thing good, but it is a necessary component to being metal.
5. Volume - How loud is it? Literally and metaphorically. Does it scream in your ear? Does it make you wake up? Literally and metaphorically? In this section we will discuss the difference between things that are literal and things that are metaphors haha just kidding great joke. But no SERIOUSLY this section will be about how much space the thing takes up in your head and maybe also in REAL LIFE.
Okay that's it bye.
Source: https://metaldoorissometal.tumblr.com/
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